The Broken Girl (Lonely Girl Book 2) Read online

  “You should be able to wait and let things happen naturally. Don’t rush into things with Jake. I will support whatever makes you happy. But remember that if you go there with Jake, you risk losing your friendship. So make sure when you make a choice that you are making the right and final one.” I feel like my brother has shamed me and I want to hate him for getting involved, but I can’t. Keegan is his best friend and I wouldn’t expect any less from him. He’s not wrong. I do love Keegan, but I love Jake too. It’s always been Jake I ran too. But... does that mean that it’s more love than the feelings I have for Keegan? “If you really love Keegan, you should be able to remember that love for the both of you, Becca.” My eyes are wandering around, looking for any escape from these overwhelming emotions.

  “Because if you were in Keegan’s spot, he’d never give up on his love for you.”

  Chapter Nine

  Keegan

  When I asked Alec to see his sister, I see hope in his eyes. At least until I say that I just want to talk to Bec alone. For someone reason, I just can’t adjust to calling her Becca. I knew her as Bec, so that’s just how it’s stayed in my head. “Sure, man.” I know he doesn’t want to bring her to me. He’d probably rather punch me in the head. Hey, there’s a thought. Maybe it will bring back my memory. When he left, I felt my chest tighten, with what feels like fear, about what she’s going to say to me. What the hell is wrong with my dumb ass? I’ve never felt shit like this before, not even with Sarah. That scares the shit out of me even more because I wish I could remember her. And why do I feel this constant panic without her around? I get up to put all my stuff in the corner, and wait. “Hey, dude, I just wanted to find out when you want me to take you to your place.” Drake hasn’t said much, but to give the man credit, I haven’t been up to much talking.

  “I’ll be ready soon… I’m waiting to talk to Bec.” I see Drake tense and I’m surprised as shit by his reaction. “BECCA. Her name is Becca.” I don’t need to justify my shit to him. “Always be Bec to me and I don’t think she needs another dick trying to get to her, eh, man?” Before I can regret what I’ve said I am pushed up against the wall of my hospital room. “Becca will always be Becca. Just cause your brain is having a shit time doesn’t mean you will treat her like an option, man. I won’t let it and if Potts heard that shit you just spewed out of that dumbass mouth of yours, you’d be sporting a fat lip. I don’t think it’s a good idea, man. Just let her go with some of her heart left intact, man.” I move out of his grasp and try to comprehend his words. “What if I can’t let her go though?”

  “Ah, Key, I can’t tell you what to do, man, but this whole thing is just messed up. Becca is barely keeping it together; Jake is doing well and will be heading home soon. Before you get your shit out of joint, they aren’t together because, unlike that tramp you are fucking with, Becca doesn’t move on like a hooker looking for her next fix. So remember that shit when you wake up and have put her through hell with all this Sarah shit. If you break her, I will break you, and don’t doubt that. Text me when you’re done and you better leave her in the same condition or better than what she came to you in.” With that, he stomps out, leaving me reeling from his rant.

  I’m still trying to get my shit together when I hear a soft knock at the door and Bec peeks her timid face in. “Can I come in, Keegan?” She’s beautiful, and not just in an ‘I want her way.’ She’s so beautiful, it should be damn well illegal. Wars would be fought over this beauty. I’d fight till my death for her. Whoa! Where in the ever loving hell did that come from? “Thanks for coming, Bec. I wanted to talk to you, if that is alright?” She nods and all I see is this gorgeous creature looking at me. Her eyes are the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen; the only way to describe them is that they are crystal blue. You can see so much of what she is feeling by her eyes and she wants to be anywhere but here with me. I feel a pain in my heart as I realize I’ve caused her this feeling. She has this long blonde hair that has different shades in it now that she’s fully under the light. Her body… Well, I know what I want to do to it and it’s nothing I’m ashamed of. Shit, how could I have not gone there with her? If I did, how come I can’t remember? In this florescent light, no one is supposed to look this damn beautiful. She goes to open her mouth to talk but all I see are her lips, pink and perfect, just like the rest of her. I have to kiss her.

  “Keegan?” Ah, shit, she was saying something and I was too busy looking at her lips to actually listen. “You wanted to see me?” I don’t know what I’ve done to her to make her this way. I have this feeling that I should be the only one feeling timid and embarrassed, as if I’ve harmed her in some way. “Yeah, Bec, let’s sit and talk. Is that going to be alright?” She nods and I walk over to the bed and pat the bottom of it for her to come sit beside me. She follows, but is hesitant. She sits but doesn’t look me in the eyes and I want to reach out to her, but I fear her damn rejection. Against my better judgment, I bring my hand up and lay it on top of hers. I feel her eyes linger on the spot where my hand is but I can barely keep my breath in check. Touching her damn well knocked the wind out of me.

  “Keegan, are you okay?” she finally asks.

  Great. I probably look like a damn stalker with how I’m staring at her. Get your shit together, Key! “Yup, I’m fine. I wanted to talk to you about everything… I just…” She interrupts me and I want to be mad, but the sound of her voice makes everything else go away. At least until I actually hear the words coming out of her mouth and then I begin to panic.

  “Keegan, it’s fine. You’re with Sarah or something. I understand you don’t remember me; we can still be friends, of course. That is, if you still want to be my friend.” I don’t know what’s going on but my heart and body aren’t listening to my head.

  I grab her by the sides of her face and crash my lips against her. She tastes so damn sweet. God, she’s perfect. I hear her moan lightly against my lips and I swear that’s the sexiest sound I’ve ever heard. I crave it and want more of it. I take my chance and deepen the kiss, tracing my tongue along her bottom lip until she gives me access to her mouth. I dive in and claim what’s mine. What the hell? What’s mine? I feel her start to pull away but I don’t let her. I slip my arm around her back trying to give her everything I’ve got so that all this messed up shit doesn’t mean that I don’t get to see her again.

  “Keegan…”

  I feel her hands on my chest and I pull away. Her lips are shining and I want to immediately dive back in. Damn, this girl is addictive.

  Deep down, I know all this shit is going to come crashing down. Shit never goes right with me and I will end up screwing it all up. I have a feeling I’ve done something before the accident to already make me lose this beauty that’s sitting here not even understand how goddamn beautiful she is. “God, I wish I could remember you.” I see a tear coming down her cheek and I wipe it away. “I wish I could give you what you want and it’s killing me that I can’t.” No truer words have ever been spoken. I want her. I want everything with her but I just know I won’t get it.

  “Me too. Keegan. Me too.”

  I can’t be who she wants and needs. I’m not that guy. I might have been before the accident, but whatever changed me to deserve this girl isn’t around anymore. I’m not that guy. I wish I were because it’s hard not to love her even though I don’t remember her. “Please don’t leave and stay away from me. I need you, and I want to remember, but if it doesn’t happen.. I still want to have you in my life anyways. I think it’s important. Please tell me you will stay.” I’m such a selfish prick.

  “Keegan, I will always be in your life.” I feel my heart pick up but just like that, it comes crashing down again. She utters the words I dread hearing. “I’ll always be your friend.”

  We talked about a few things, like me moving. She said she’d help and pack up what stuff is still left there and what is in her room of mine. I really want to ask her to let me go to her room but that will lead to no good and is not fair to her.
I can’t give her everything she wants, no matter how much I want to. I can tell this space between us is killing her like it is me. She’s going to leave. I can feel it before she even says it.

  “I have to get back, but I will call you, okay? My number is in your phone if you need anything, Keegan. Just call me.”

  I nod and as she steps to the door, I feel the panic. I then ask the one thing I’m dying to know.

  “Bec, wait!” She turns and I see that it hurts to hear me call her that too but I just can’t manage to call her Becca. It doesn’t feel right. “What did I do? I did something to you before the accident?”

  She shakes her head and goes to leave. “It’s not important anymore, Keegan.” I get up and grab her hand, pulling her back from the door.

  “Please just tell me…how am I supposed to deal with all this if I don’t know?” She looks so damn torn. I feel bad for this because it’s obviously hurting her to rehash these memories.

  “You called me Sarah.” I drop my hand from hers and my whole body goes numb. Okay, I get it, not cool but not the ending of the world unless?

  “Oh, I said it…” She nods and pulls away to the door but I don’t stop her this time. She didn’t deserve that. I don’t know why I’d even think of Sarah if I had her touching me.

  “You said it after. You were drunk but it was my first time, and my only time. Goodbye, Keegan.”

  This girl was a virgin and I took that from her and called her my ex’s name. Now I can’t even remember her. She walked in on me with that same ex. What a Jackass. I’m so stunned that I don’t even get to say bye. I just watch her walk out and leave me behind. You just lost the best thing you’ve ever had. One thing is for certain. I’m an asshole and I don’t deserve her but that doesn’t means I will let her go.

  I’m a real selfish bastard.

  Chapter Ten

  Becca

  What was that, Becca? I never expected it to be that way when I went in to see Keegan. The look in his eyes…he is so lost and so unlike the Keegan I know. I didn’t see the Keegan I’d known in that room. Who I did see made my heart tighten in a way I rarely had happen with him before. I walk down the hall to the little visiting area they have. It’s like a sunroom with some plants and a fish tank. It’s the closest I can get to nature and I’m craving it. I don’t hear anyone come in, so when I hear a voice say my name, I’m startled.

  “Becca…” I turn to see Drake staring at me. “I’m just getting ready to take Keegan home but I wanted to stop in and see if you needed anything. I know this has got to be hard on you, Becca. Everything that you went through with Michael was worse and now this. But you got through that and you can get through this.”

  “At least Michael died. I didn’t have to watch him walk around with just me having the memories of us. Only the memories are dead. Keegan is here, thank God, but it seemed easier because I didn’t have to see Michael not know who I was. Not remember that he loved me. Michael was just gone… Keegan, well I have to watch him be with someone else. To him, he knows nothing else; to me, it seems like in a blink of an eye I lost him. The difference is he’s still here plaguing me and reminding of everything I’ve lost. It was easier with Michael… God, Drake, what’s wrong with me that I feel this way?” I can’t look at him; I can’t believe I just said all that. Worse part is I meant and felt every word of it.

  “Becca, he’s just as lost as you are. He might not remember you, but he knows something is missing. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have just begged my ass to bring you around when the team and everyone gets together.”

  I bring my hand up to my lips, which not long ago had Keegan’s lips pressed against them. “I’m going to take him home. I will be back… but um… Jake is asking where you are.” I begin to panic that Jake will know something is wrong or that I’m still having love for Keegan.

  “Becca… I saw that he kissed you. It doesn’t make you weak or a bad person for it. Just don’t lie about it. Get in front of it. You are allowed to be confused.” He gives me a tight hug, kissing the top of my head and leaving me here in the sunroom. The tears I’d been holding in since walking into that room with Keegan begin to pour out.

  How much more can I take? I wish I knew because then I’d at least see an end to my pain. I hope Keegan remembers, not so that we can be together, because I really don’t know how I feel anymore. But even if he never remembers me, this new guy he seems to be grabbed a bit of my heart too.

  I wait twenty minutes before I go back to Jake’s room, hoping he will not be able to tell I’ve been crying. “Becca, I thought you left.” I shake my head, unsure if I trust myself to talk. “Becca, what happened? You were with Keegan, weren’t you? Drake said he’s getting to go home today?”

  Home? That’s not his home. “What I’m about to say… Jake, you have to respond to this as my friend and if you can’t, it just proves that we can’t just be friends.” I feel him tense but he says nothing. “Keegan kissed me.” I hear him gasp but don’t look at him. Instead, I’m staring at the floral picture that is hanging from the wall in Jake’s hospital room.

  “Becca… look at me, okay?” I reluctantly pull my eyes from the picture to Jake’s eyes. I expect to see anger or sadness but I’m met with his understanding eyes.

  “I know this is hard, not just for you, but for Keegan. This whole thing is fucked up and there’s no way around it. We just have to be honest so that we all make it through this in one piece. I know that none of what you are feeling means that you don’t love me, Becca.” I nod because I don’t think I could open my mouth without sobs escaping. Jake knows me so well. How will I ever make this unbelievable choice? “We haven’t really talked about this, but… I heard you, Becca. That night you said you loved me and that you were in love with me. That you didn’t want me to leave you alone, and that you needed me. Dammit, Becca, don’t you see? I loved you before you even said one word to me. I saw this lonely girl sitting there at the lake, lost and alone, but I saw something in her. Hope, a new beginning, one that I wanted to be a part of. I was just scared once we had this amazing friendship that I’d ruin it if you didn’t feel the same way. I could never leave you alone, Becca; you’re my ending, and no one else. I need you more than you will ever need me.”

  I want to pull away because my heart can’t take anymore now that it’s torn in three. The love I have for my Keegan, Jake, and the new Keegan that has crept up on me. Jake just looks at me, waiting for an answer, I can’t give him one I don’t know myself. “Becca, I know you love him, but you love me too. Right now isn’t our time, but it will be soon. Keegan will either remember or he won’t but he will still need his friends. He’s going home today and he’s going to need all the help he can get.” I was feeling warm and fuzzy until that moment. Something in me snapped and I couldn’t hold back my anger.

  “Ugh! Why does everyone keep saying that? It’s not his home, it’s a new place that he is all alone in when he should have been with my brother… or better yet, he shouldn’t have even met me. I never should have come to Lakehead.” I immediately regretted lashing out at Jake but I couldn’t help it. I look back to Jake and I see he’s struggling to hold back tears. “Jake, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” He shakes his head and I look away from this raw emotion I’m seeing from him. “Becca, it’s not because you got upset. I understand your anger. Just… never say that again. Don’t ever say you shouldn’t have come here because that’s what hurts. Thinking that I won’t have you in my life. That’s a life I’m not interested in being a part of. I will always choose you, Becca.”

  The emotions that I feel from his words cause my heart to go into a frenzy. I can barely catch my breath and I feel like I’m being suffocated. It’s too much, too fast. I barely feel like me anymore and to hear him say all this just makes that more apparent. “Jacob, I love you, but my life is just so thoroughly screwed up right now. I just… I need some air. I will be back in a few hours, okay? I promise. I’m not trying to run out on yo
u, so don’t feel that way… I need to go and draw or something. Reconnect-to-Becca kind of deal.”

  He nods his head and I know he understands this more than anyone. Sometimes I just need to be alone and work through it on my own. Jake has always understood that. I gather my things and head for the door. “Where are you going though, Becca? Remember it might not be safe out there for you.” I take a deep breath and try to remember that there is still this new threat that someone was after me.

  “I’ll be careful I promise. Jacob…”

  “Yeah, Becca?” Jake responds.

  “I could never regret meeting you.” I feel like I’ve just said more than what I actually should have and I hope that he understands that’s all I have right now.

  “Me either, baby. Where are you going?”

  “Solitude.” I knew as soon as I said it that Jake would assume this was about Keegan. That place had become my place to go think and draw. I look to Jake and the hurt in his eyes is crippling. He must be thinking that because this was a place Keegan and I shared, that I’m going to think about Keegan. Which is true but I’m going there because of Jake too. The longer my heart takes with all this the more people are going to get hurt. The biggest question is: who do I love? The answer is the problem.

  I love them both.

  Chapter Eleven

  Leaving Jake like that was not just difficult, it was unbearable. But I couldn’t deal. Old Becca came out and I ran. I’m trying not to do that but it’s a habit I’m fighting everyday not to keep. Sitting here in my solitude brings me into a peaceful place in the utter chaos that has become my life. When shit gets hard, Becca flakes and it’s fight or flight. Let’s just say I rarely pick a fight. Being here around nature makes my life melt away. I can breathe and actually form thoughts. Jake is awake and doing well, so he will be getting released soon. Keegan, well, he doesn’t remember but I will always remember for the both of us. Maybe it’s a blessing for him. He doesn’t have to remember all the horrible sides of our relationship. He can move on and be happy. What about you, Becca? Well, I honestly don’t know. I love Jake, but I still love Keegan. I feel like I’m abandoning him. My brother as much as told me this and he is right. No matter the cost to my heart and pride, I will still be his friend if that’s what Keegan needs.